Send A Pigeon

Well, my internet keeps going down, and that really pisses me off! You would think that Mr Branson would be able to keep the country folk of Norfolk connected to the internet. I mean, we don’t ask for a lot. Even a pigeon would suffice. You know, strap a message to its leg, away it goes. 2 days later, you get a print out of a Wikipedia page. Actually, this pigeon idea sounds a lot faster than my internet when it is working!

                But you don’t realise how much of your life you spend on that cloud beyond your computer we call the internet. Seriously, it’s scary! Imagine a world without technology, and most of us would just be standing there with our fingers up our arses. I’m sure there are some people who already are!

                Think about it. You see something funny happen, or something amazing – you can’t tweet anyone. You can’t update your Facebook status. The most you can do is tell the man next to you at the bus stop, who gives you a resounding, “fuck off.”

                And say you want to go somewhere. All of a sudden you can’t use your Google maps or your sat-nav. Back in the day, they had something called a map. I know, not a clue either. Basically, it is a drawing of your surrounding area. A bit like what you see in Call Of Duty, but bigger, so you can’t see the car in front of you. And then you use this drawing to try and find where you’re going. What an insane idea.

                And forget your Xbox and your Playstation, how about a wooden hoop and a stick? Conkers? I can see the blank expression on your face right now.

                But that’s scary aint it. Our whole world revolves around technology. Little 1s and 0s shooting up and down wires control out whole lives.  Without those 1s and 0s we wouldn’t be able to hear that Justin Bieber was attacked – and laugh. Or that One Direction is still making music – and cry.

                Technology has consumed us, whether it is staring into the magic window in the lounge, or constantly typing away on our smartphones, it is everywhere.

                You speak to an old person, and you will hear countless stories about all random things, and I reckon that when we get old, we didn’t have any of those experiences. Somehow, starting a story with, “This one time on Gran Turismo…” doesn’t quite cut it.

                So I dare ya, call it a D Wulf challenge, to cut yourself off from technology for a day. Turn off the TV, turn off the smartphone, catch the horse to work, and experience real life.

"This one time I went outside, and the graphics were amazing. The gameplay was shit though."

And there we have it, another long-awaited dose of the D Wulf magic. And if you didn’t like it, well, what else would you have done with that 5 minutes of your life?

 (probably hurled more abuse at Philip Schofield on Twitter)

Keep Smiling,

D Wulf!

You Study What!?

Alright folks, I had a few days off, but here I am.

It’s almost May!? Where on earth has this year gone? I’m sure it was Christmas yesterday! At this rate, tomorrow will be bonfire night!

May 6^th is ‘May Day’, the first bank holiday in May. Surely every day  in May is ‘May Day’. What a load of rubbish. I’m all for fun-loving public holidays, but you have to have a reason. You can’t just stand there and say, “Er…well…it’s May, so we needed one.” – bollocks.

                You need a decent reason, like Jesus was born, or Jesus came back as a zombie. Or even throw in a few special ones, like ‘Let’s pretend we care about whatshisface getting married Day’.

                All going on, another excuse the drink. And that’s another thing! A public holiday on a Monday, what a waste. Make it a Friday at least.

                Anyways, moving on.

                I was thinking the other day about the last day at school or college, or whatever. Remember how everyone was going to stay in touch, and always be best friends and all that shit. Well, turns out it’s all lies.

                No, seriously, if it wasn’t for Facebook and Twitter, you wouldn’t even speak to your schoolfriends. It’s crazy. You know someone for 5 or so years, and then  they go off to university to ‘find themselves’ and they disappear off the face of the earth.

                I do find that though. You talk to these students, and most of them went to uni so that they could ‘find themselves’ or ‘wanted something to do’. Well, here’s the deal; I found you. Tag, you’re it, or whatever. Now here’s what you can do, do something that matters. Turns out studying Harry Potter studies won’t benefit society that much.

                And yes, I know it’s a great experience, and it’s just as about the social as the academic, but you’re never going to apply your joint degree of ‘waste management and dance’ to anything.

                I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I’m hating on everyone, and nobody should have the chance to better themselves. Wrong. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying if you are going to better yourself, you have to come out the other end better than when you started. Having the rest of your life having to admit you have a degree in puppetry is not coming out better.

                So, by all means, thrive! The world is your oyster, or some other rubbish like that.

                To fully understand what I am talking about, I am going to mention some of the craziest degrees that you can pursue. I’ll let you decide whether it is amazing or amazingly bad.

                Roll the tape:

• Parapsychology (ghosts and all that)
• Golf studies
• Stained glass
• The Simpsons and Philosophy
• (alternatively) Star Trek and Philosophy
• Phallus Studies
• Harry Potter
• David Beckham

So there we have it. I’ll let you decide on whether it is a good idea to pursue any of these degrees.

Keep Smiling,

D Wulf.

They Got It Down

Here we are again, on this fine Wednesday. Weather Man has taken a break and left us with some glorious sunshine, so we can’t complain at that.  And even though my old car is baking hot, I still ride round with the windows up so people think I have air con. Yeah, that’s right!

                Anyways, sounds like we got it easy compared to the rest of the world. I mean, take Boston. They don’t fuck around over there. When they got a terrorist on the loose, well, they know how to deal with the situation!  

      

                Firstly, the whole place is locked down. The whole neighbourhood! Can you imagine that in this country? Everyone would be locked inside, then Mrs Smith from number 63 would ‘just pop out to get some milk’. And then Mr Jones would take his dog for a walk. So, I can’t really see it happening here.

                And then, when they suspect that he is hiding in a boat in someone’s garden, they get  a robot to take off the cover. Yes, you did read that correctly – a robot! Where the hell do you find one of them? You can’t just pop into your local Tesco and go down the robot aisle. Anyways, so there they are, taking the cover off of this boat with a robot. That wouldn’t happen here either! The closest thing that we would get to a robot is Craig Charles trying to be the negotiator.

                And lastly, once they can’t be arsed anymore, they just get everyone with a gun to point it at the boat and unload. In Britain, you’d either have some police person saying it isn’t policy, or some old codger telling us to think about his feelings.  Or, worse yet, have Gazza turn up, claiming to be his best mate.

                But in all this, do you know who I feel sorry for? The owner of that boat! He was doing a good deed, and then all of a sudden, his boat has got more holes than a sponge! He sure as hell won’t be sailing this weekend.

                Anyways, let’s move on from Boston, and talk about Britain. Who had a good St. George’s Day yesterday? Me neither. I think it should be a law to put all drinking days (you know, St. Patrick’s, St. George’s, Most Thursdays) on a weekend. Or at least a Friday night!

                Let’s face it, the reason that 99% of British people celebrate these days is to prove that they can drink more than their mate, without looking like an alcoholic! And the other 1% lie.

                That’s what makes us British: The genetic ability to throw pint after pint down our neck, and then be just as obnoxious as we were before. Chances are that St. George actually had a drinking contest with the dragon – and won.

And there it is, another dose of the D Wulf magic. Gotta love it! And I will see you all soon.

Keep Smiling,

D Wulf.